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Apr. 18th, 2011 03:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
floorpigeonI keep thinking life is full of little quiet, stupid moments.
Sometimes I step back-- like now-- and notice I'm alive, and how totally quiet, inconsequential and hum-hum-humming it is. A really really quiet hum-- moments that seem both ordinary and wasted, maybe mostly wasted. I wonder if most people have 'activities' to ignore/avoid this sense they're 'wasting time'. To me, it's like 'wasted time' is 95% of my life, but at this moment I wondered if that's necessarily a bad thing.
On the one hand, I don't want to be on my deathbed thinking, 'remember that time I was surfing the internet and found a stupid picture of a married couple in jeans at a hick bar and spent 3-5 minutes mindlessly staring at the bride's white shirt?' On the other hand, why not? As pointless as it is, it's a sign of a deeper interest-- my fascination with the moments of people's lives-- and I could make it mean something if I wanted to. I mean, I don't think it did mean anything. It seems like I'd kill it even by mentioning it. It was a stupid, quiet, useless moments out of a great procession of stupid, quiet, useless moments I wasted.
Sometimes I think it's just that I'm lost in my head a lot, not a property of 'life'. Who knows. Other people have dramas going on, I don't. I have very small dramas, most of the time, which involve various thoughts/impulses in my head fighting for dominance. It's not that it takes a lot to fluster me, but it's like a ripple that quickly dies out. I got frustrated at my friend accusing me of creating drama (by emailing what should've been an unsent letter in a moment of ill-advised impulse). I mean, sure, it was ill-advised, but creating drama? Me? I think her comment created more drama in my life. I mention this just to say that I suspect my inner life is more boring than people expect, or something. Not that I'm bored, but I don't go around getting angry/sad/etc at other people very easily, even people who matter to me. I don't know how to explain this. I feel vaguely insulted that she imagines I would do anything to foster drama, and immediately think: maybe a little more drama would be good.
Some moments are more dramatic than others, but unless I'm in an emotional storm-- generally sustained and driven by contact with someone else who is not me-- I don't really... I mean, it's not that I don't feel strongly, but I just don't bother about things (other than my own frailties). Maybe other people's thoughts when bored/distracted are sharper and harder-edged, and they wouldn't be able to get lost in the color of a stranger's blouse. Maybe they're always thinking of things, actions, decisions. Maybe other people create drama because they enjoy it on some level the way I enjoy the complete lack of agitation. I think the main complaint I have with my friend is that her mind is agitated, and she responds to my own feelings and actions with projected agitation I cannot identify with, and she projects it onto me. 'You were agitated, weren't you!' she accuses (not in so many words). She gets agitated on my behalf, or against me when I'm not agitated enough. She attacks the moment-- or thought, feeling-- I barely brushed over, though between us I'm the emotive one.
I wonder if I would get more things done if I was more agitated. I wonder if people wouldn't keep thinking I'm depressed. I know I'd get more things done under artificial agitation-- pressure, deadlines, etc. But I don't enjoy that feeling itself-- it's too tiring. I don't want my life to consist of slow moments of mindless staring, but neither do I want to get bent out of shape about things if I can avoid it. 'Why should I bother,' I want to ask her. 'You project a lot of feelings onto me I just don't have, mainly 'cause most of the time I don't bother to.' Probably not the best answer, but that's ok. It's mine.
I feel most comfortable with people who're very even-keeled, but it's funny, because once I get really close to someone, I'm definitely the emotive one-- knowing that, I guess I can say the blandness of my existence is a lie. I can say I'm someone who always sees a lot of color in everything. It's the fact that my friend pushes and gets agitated that secretly agitates me enough that I can't relax fully enough to be properly emotive. Maybe it's just anger I don't like, that pushing-pushing-pushing. Just the smallest amount, and I fall back. Sometimes people are needed to make moments come alive-- that's pushing too, but in a more brilliant, constructive direction-- pulling me along. I don't want life to be like one long doze. I want to be engaged. I just don't want angry-type agitation-- it's tiring and not productive. It's rare, but if I'm pushed constructively-- someone who isn't angry, but just goes faster for the thrill of it, so to speak-- it's like suddenly the little moments flow together into a coherent stream, and the scenery flies by as you watch. Life feels like a whirling dance. Life and death and feeling become one, and everything blends together into light.
Sometimes I step back-- like now-- and notice I'm alive, and how totally quiet, inconsequential and hum-hum-humming it is. A really really quiet hum-- moments that seem both ordinary and wasted, maybe mostly wasted. I wonder if most people have 'activities' to ignore/avoid this sense they're 'wasting time'. To me, it's like 'wasted time' is 95% of my life, but at this moment I wondered if that's necessarily a bad thing.
On the one hand, I don't want to be on my deathbed thinking, 'remember that time I was surfing the internet and found a stupid picture of a married couple in jeans at a hick bar and spent 3-5 minutes mindlessly staring at the bride's white shirt?' On the other hand, why not? As pointless as it is, it's a sign of a deeper interest-- my fascination with the moments of people's lives-- and I could make it mean something if I wanted to. I mean, I don't think it did mean anything. It seems like I'd kill it even by mentioning it. It was a stupid, quiet, useless moments out of a great procession of stupid, quiet, useless moments I wasted.
Sometimes I think it's just that I'm lost in my head a lot, not a property of 'life'. Who knows. Other people have dramas going on, I don't. I have very small dramas, most of the time, which involve various thoughts/impulses in my head fighting for dominance. It's not that it takes a lot to fluster me, but it's like a ripple that quickly dies out. I got frustrated at my friend accusing me of creating drama (by emailing what should've been an unsent letter in a moment of ill-advised impulse). I mean, sure, it was ill-advised, but creating drama? Me? I think her comment created more drama in my life. I mention this just to say that I suspect my inner life is more boring than people expect, or something. Not that I'm bored, but I don't go around getting angry/sad/etc at other people very easily, even people who matter to me. I don't know how to explain this. I feel vaguely insulted that she imagines I would do anything to foster drama, and immediately think: maybe a little more drama would be good.
Some moments are more dramatic than others, but unless I'm in an emotional storm-- generally sustained and driven by contact with someone else who is not me-- I don't really... I mean, it's not that I don't feel strongly, but I just don't bother about things (other than my own frailties). Maybe other people's thoughts when bored/distracted are sharper and harder-edged, and they wouldn't be able to get lost in the color of a stranger's blouse. Maybe they're always thinking of things, actions, decisions. Maybe other people create drama because they enjoy it on some level the way I enjoy the complete lack of agitation. I think the main complaint I have with my friend is that her mind is agitated, and she responds to my own feelings and actions with projected agitation I cannot identify with, and she projects it onto me. 'You were agitated, weren't you!' she accuses (not in so many words). She gets agitated on my behalf, or against me when I'm not agitated enough. She attacks the moment-- or thought, feeling-- I barely brushed over, though between us I'm the emotive one.
I wonder if I would get more things done if I was more agitated. I wonder if people wouldn't keep thinking I'm depressed. I know I'd get more things done under artificial agitation-- pressure, deadlines, etc. But I don't enjoy that feeling itself-- it's too tiring. I don't want my life to consist of slow moments of mindless staring, but neither do I want to get bent out of shape about things if I can avoid it. 'Why should I bother,' I want to ask her. 'You project a lot of feelings onto me I just don't have, mainly 'cause most of the time I don't bother to.' Probably not the best answer, but that's ok. It's mine.
I feel most comfortable with people who're very even-keeled, but it's funny, because once I get really close to someone, I'm definitely the emotive one-- knowing that, I guess I can say the blandness of my existence is a lie. I can say I'm someone who always sees a lot of color in everything. It's the fact that my friend pushes and gets agitated that secretly agitates me enough that I can't relax fully enough to be properly emotive. Maybe it's just anger I don't like, that pushing-pushing-pushing. Just the smallest amount, and I fall back. Sometimes people are needed to make moments come alive-- that's pushing too, but in a more brilliant, constructive direction-- pulling me along. I don't want life to be like one long doze. I want to be engaged. I just don't want angry-type agitation-- it's tiring and not productive. It's rare, but if I'm pushed constructively-- someone who isn't angry, but just goes faster for the thrill of it, so to speak-- it's like suddenly the little moments flow together into a coherent stream, and the scenery flies by as you watch. Life feels like a whirling dance. Life and death and feeling become one, and everything blends together into light.
