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Apr. 18th, 2011 03:48 pmI keep thinking life is full of little quiet, stupid moments.
Sometimes I step back-- like now-- and notice I'm alive, and how totally quiet, inconsequential and hum-hum-humming it is. A really really quiet hum-- moments that seem both ordinary and wasted, maybe mostly wasted. I wonder if most people have 'activities' to ignore/avoid this sense they're 'wasting time'. To me, it's like 'wasted time' is 95% of my life, but at this moment I wondered if that's necessarily a bad thing.
On the one hand, I don't want to be on my deathbed thinking, 'remember that time I was surfing the internet and found a stupid picture of a married couple in jeans at a hick bar and spent 3-5 minutes mindlessly staring at the bride's white shirt?' On the other hand, why not? As pointless as it is, it's a sign of a deeper interest-- my fascination with the moments of people's lives-- and I could make it mean something if I wanted to. I mean, I don't think it did mean anything. It seems like I'd kill it even by mentioning it. It was a stupid, quiet, useless moments out of a great procession of stupid, quiet, useless moments I wasted.
Sometimes I think it's just that I'm lost in my head a lot, not a property of 'life'. Who knows. Other people have dramas going on, I don't. I have very small dramas, most of the time, which involve various thoughts/impulses in my head fighting for dominance. It's not that it takes a lot to fluster me, but it's like a ripple that quickly dies out. I got frustrated at my friend accusing me of creating drama (by emailing what should've been an unsent letter in a moment of ill-advised impulse). I mean, sure, it was ill-advised, but creating drama? Me? I think her comment created more drama in my life. I mention this just to say that I suspect my inner life is more boring than people expect, or something. Not that I'm bored, but I don't go around getting angry/sad/etc at other people very easily, even people who matter to me. I don't know how to explain this. I feel vaguely insulted that she imagines I would do anything to foster drama, and immediately think: maybe a little more drama would be good.
( Then: nah. )
Sometimes I step back-- like now-- and notice I'm alive, and how totally quiet, inconsequential and hum-hum-humming it is. A really really quiet hum-- moments that seem both ordinary and wasted, maybe mostly wasted. I wonder if most people have 'activities' to ignore/avoid this sense they're 'wasting time'. To me, it's like 'wasted time' is 95% of my life, but at this moment I wondered if that's necessarily a bad thing.
On the one hand, I don't want to be on my deathbed thinking, 'remember that time I was surfing the internet and found a stupid picture of a married couple in jeans at a hick bar and spent 3-5 minutes mindlessly staring at the bride's white shirt?' On the other hand, why not? As pointless as it is, it's a sign of a deeper interest-- my fascination with the moments of people's lives-- and I could make it mean something if I wanted to. I mean, I don't think it did mean anything. It seems like I'd kill it even by mentioning it. It was a stupid, quiet, useless moments out of a great procession of stupid, quiet, useless moments I wasted.
Sometimes I think it's just that I'm lost in my head a lot, not a property of 'life'. Who knows. Other people have dramas going on, I don't. I have very small dramas, most of the time, which involve various thoughts/impulses in my head fighting for dominance. It's not that it takes a lot to fluster me, but it's like a ripple that quickly dies out. I got frustrated at my friend accusing me of creating drama (by emailing what should've been an unsent letter in a moment of ill-advised impulse). I mean, sure, it was ill-advised, but creating drama? Me? I think her comment created more drama in my life. I mention this just to say that I suspect my inner life is more boring than people expect, or something. Not that I'm bored, but I don't go around getting angry/sad/etc at other people very easily, even people who matter to me. I don't know how to explain this. I feel vaguely insulted that she imagines I would do anything to foster drama, and immediately think: maybe a little more drama would be good.
( Then: nah. )
